I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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