So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
