Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
