I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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