Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
i think my mom watched the whole time
even my farts smell like vagina
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize