I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
