Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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