I cannot find my penis.
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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