i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
