How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
