my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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