Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
