I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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