If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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