there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Randomize
