After last night, I could never be a politician.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Randomize
