Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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