I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
