Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize