i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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