if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
