I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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