I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
