Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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