You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
