just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize