3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
