I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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