So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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