I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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