I want to walk on stilts...naked
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
