woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
