Your dad touched me again.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
