; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Randomize
