dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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