i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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