Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
