We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
