It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
