i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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