is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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