Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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