In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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