I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
