Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
