Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
