He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
