A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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