Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
