I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
