I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Randomize
