She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
