Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
