I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
