Kareoke will never be a sober sport
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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