i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I think my fart just growled at me.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
