You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
We are two peas in an std pod
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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