Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i wish my penis had a tongue
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
