the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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