see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
