You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
