i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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