Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize