not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
and you fell through a lawn chair
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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