I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
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