If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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