We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
