i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
